god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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