I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize