they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
