I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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