Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
