Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
