I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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