I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I bet he comes in French.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
