Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
