I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
