I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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