I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
