new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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