note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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