Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
