You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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