ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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