Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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