I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
