i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Couch. On fire.
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