Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
