Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
