There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
this beer tastes like vomit already
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize