haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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