I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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