please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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