the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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