I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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