Your face is a jimmy john
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
