Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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