I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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