Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
