dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
