Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
