Princesses don't give blow jobs
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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