i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
