I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize