hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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