How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
