I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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