Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
