I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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