She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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