the condom got lost in my hair
i think i have two assholes
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I party with great urgency now.
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