My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
