I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
