Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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