just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
