i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
