When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
