Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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