I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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