I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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