Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
