I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
