Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
