I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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